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So things are pretty bad again - after slowly improving.... I try my darndest, and things slowly slowly get better then they fall rapidly into a big hole again. One step forward, two backwards kind of stuff.

Things were going ok, but then she caught me taking a piss in the backyard. She decided to raise that as an issue.. She claims it's boorish - a bogan thing to do, uncouth and unrefined, somewhat disgusting - a bit like a dog. I'll admit it's not that gentlemanly, but then again I'm not a gentleman. I was raised on a farm and that's just what happens. I knew the only neighbor we have was not home. I just couldn't be buggered going inside and taking off my boots when I'm working outside.

So I didn't have much to say about it, and really didn't have the headspace to deal with the issue that was a non-issue to me but obviously important to her, so I�blew her off a bit. But not to be put off, she� kept banging on about it, blowing it out of proportion (she tends to do that with an issue if she thinks it's not "taking") so I just basically said "i'm not interested, find something a bit more important to pick on if you must, don't try and change me"

Couple of days later we're lying in bed and she's saying that she thinks I might need to go back on medication. I wonder why. She says because i'm being abrupt and aggressive. I say how so? she says the way I handled the pissing in the back yard issue. And then she kept going on about it again!�She reckons now that the kids will see me and she wants to instill good values in the kids and she's concerned that they will grow up as bogans if they see me doing what I�do.....

For some reason she thinks that I must have some burning rage deep inside me... she wants to know what i'm so angry with... but I don't feel really angry about anything really. I�don't feel like I've got any burning rage... but she thinks so.

I toss and turn all night after she rolls over and starts snoring. Then I�get a text from her the next day to which I reply "I don't think we're going to make it" and she says "I'm afraid of you, because you're aggressive, I'm afraid of what you might do to me or the kids. you make me feel like a hollow shell when I'm around you".

I'm stunned. WTF!�I'm so aggressive?!?!?!?! I blow her off about her complaining about pissing in the backyard and now i'm aggressive?�And she's afraid of me?�what a heap of bullshit.

So it always comes back to the same kind of shit. Nani decides what kind of behavior is acceptable and what isn't. She holds this internal subjective benchmark up all the time and I either make the grade or dont. And when I�don't, she is disappointed and feels the need to address it. She really isn't that happy with me. She just can't be happy. Can't accept the way I am. I find her intolerant and impatient. She can never be content with life as it is... it always should be better. There's that nasty word "should".

She seems to think that marriage should be a slice of heaven on earth. Maybe if "can" be, but does that mean that today is no good?�Why does she feel the need to decide what is good or bad, whether something is in or out, pass or fail?�What kind of framework is she operating from?�A�legalistic one I feel. The tree of knowledge of Good and Evil and the fruit of it is so poisonous, it's venom is seeping into my lifeblood and slowly but surely paralysis is setting in.

So there's always underlying tension in our home because i know she's always evaluating my performance. Am i speaking to her properly. Is my behavior respectful?�Am I beling loving, kind, sensitive, caring, understanding? How is my communication?�Am I sharing with her? Spending enough time with her?�Encouraging, affirming?�Expressive?�I think the answer to all these are no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's all about performance with her.

The problem is, she thinks that this system of evaluating whether behavior is acceptable or desirable is actually working against her. she has an abitrary and subjective reference for what's acceptable and what's not, and because she's forced into this evaluation, she'll always find something that is lacking and that is where she focusses and this means the whole relationship orients around what is lacking, what is missing, what is the problem, what needs fixing. And it's draining, negative and reminds her daily, hourly of the disappointment that our marriage is.

And the whole approach revolves around behavior modification.

I've spoken to her about her "system" and basically she says "if i don't have these standards, you could do anything."�That suggests for her, it's about control. The problem is, it's only an illusion. Her standards don't and can't control or change me. But she can't ditch it, because she says "how else will I know if you're treating me badly?�I need these boundaries so I�can protect myself." They give her a false sense of security and she can't do without them. She would feel naked without her standards. It's a bit like taking something off a baby, and offering nothing in return.

We can't change each other. I've realised that, but she either hasn't worked that out, or isn't convinced and is still trying. FFS neither of us can barely change ourselves, let alone change the other. And who the hell do we think we are to think that we should decide how another human being should be and change them into what we arrogantly think they should be like. I would say that would be trying to "be like God" - which is what the tree of good and evil offers of course. I think the ultimate in pride, ego and stupidity is to change someone into your own image.

All the things that nani wants to change in me, and change me into, are to be exactly like her. Be kind, caring, gentle, loving, understanding, encouraging, affirming, sensitive, emotional, verbal, safe, nice, treacle, honey, velvet and satin, beige, yoghurt, babyoil. But I'm not like that. I may become that, I rule nothing out. But i'm not that today... which means today, I'm unacceptable.

The crazy thing is, in her own self-decieving mind, she thinks she loves me. But I know true love begins with acceptance. If you can't accept someone for who they are today with no strings attached, then you don't love them.

I don't even feel like she's a friend. My friends know me and accept me, no strings attached. she doesn't. She's trying to kill me. I wish she'd fall in love with someone and have an affair. At least then she might find a bit of happiness.

She really makes me feel like a bastard. I must be the coldest, hardest bastard to live with. i am a mongrel. I really believe that. I really believe I shouldn't be married. I don't think we'll last. We might stay together til the kids leave high school, and then she can go and do whatever. Hopefully she'll mee the right person before then and develops a good friendship with them and then just leaves me when the time is right. I can't handle living with�a Judge. It is sucking the life out of me.

How is one to recover from depression in an atmosphere of constanct tension?

Few things have been happening lately that I need to vomit out of my system or the bile is going to eat me from inside out.

She's been pissing me off by hopping on the PC and reading through my emails (and even my deleted ones I suspect). Whenever I�leave the PC she'll get on and check my FB account .... when I asked her why she says because she's interested in me. She's curious. She says she wants to see what i'm up to. Which all leaves me incredulous!�She wants to get on the FB�of the person she lives with and is supposedly the closest to in life to find out what I'm up to?!?!

I don't have her on my friend list because she gets upset at my posts. One thing that really upsets her is if I've posted something that she doesn't know about. Eg, I'll post what I'm making for tea and she'll bump into someone and they'll say "oh you're having such and such for dinner" and she'll be taken by surprise and she hates that. The other thing she hates is when I comment on the status of certain girls that she claims have a crush on me, like one in Queensland, three states away. Go figure! So because it was causing so much of a problem I unfriended her.

Basically my hunch was that she was prying, spying, sneaking around behind my back trying to find out what I was doing, but of course she denied that and said she was just interested. So I set up user accounts on the PC so she would have to log-in and i separately. She could no longer check anything of mine. She hated it. In fact it really caused a huge problem.

I did it deliberately to bring things to a head. Flush out the little foxes if you like. And out they came. As I kept digging "why don't you like this, or that? " etc. it all came out. She said "who is keeping a check on you if I�can't access your stuff? Who will hold you accountable. You could be looking at porn or anything. You could be chatting with anyone, or saying innappropriate things to people. I need to check on you or you could be doing the wrong thing. Who are you accountable to?"�

So it appears that she wants to play a role in my life of checking up on me. It wouldn't be so bad if I was a child, but I'm her husband and she's my wife, not my mother. And it's not that I have anything to hide (in fact I have since added her as a friend to my FB and there haven't been any more problems).

No, what it all boiled down to was that she was afraid that I was going to have an affair and she didn't want to be left - she wanted to leave first. She was sniffing around trying to find the clues - doing a little PI work on the side so that she could put the knife in first. Nice eh.

So that gives you an idea of exactly how high the trust level in this relationship is running at. Makes for a lousy foundation for friendship, intimacy and marriage.

Well i want my privacy now. And I don't give a stuff whether she likes it or not. She's just going to have to respect my desire for privacy and get over it.

The other thing she's been thinking about, is that if I might not have an affair for another ten years and that would put her at 50, which would make it harder (in her mind) to find someone else... so wouldn't it be better to get out now, while she's still young enough to find someone better. Screwy huh.

She really is a fearful insecure person, but instead of owning that and dealing with that, she makes it my problem. She really doesn't have the guts to face this rot in her life and would rather insist that it's my fault, my problem and that I should fix it all and make it all better.

just before going to bed last night I received a FB message from Michelle telling me that her son Phillip had killed himself. Shock and tears followed.

Called her today and spoke with her briefly. Seems he had gotten into trouble and was punished� by his parents. Within a couple hours he was found dead by his mom on the bathroom floor with a bullet wound to the head. He left no note.

The horrible pain in her voice was devastating. I proceeded to get hold of my kids and tell them that I love them. Still haven't been able to reach naomi as her cell phone is out of commission.

For a Husband who is carrying lots of burdens

Most loving, God and Father, I turn to you today to thank you for my husband and to ask you to be with him.

He is such a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. Thank you for the gift he has been in my life.

Right now, he is struggling so much and has so many burdens to carry. I simply ask that you protect him from the pressures he's facing. If it is possible, relieve some of those pressures so that he can live with more peace and with so much less stress. Above all, I ask you to give him courage and hope. Let him keep it all in perspective and not lose his priorities. Let him have some fun and help him to stay close to those who love him and want to support him in all of this. Strengthen his faith in you so that he can be a living example of service, dedication, commitment and love to all the people with whom and for whom he works.

And, help me, Lord, know how to support him and love him, with your own love for him.

For a�husband and father �looking for a job

God of us all, I turn to you for my husband (�father of my children) and for our family. We are afraid for the future. My husband is getting depressed without a job, nothing has been the same at home. We need your help. If there is work out there that he can do, please help him find it.

And, during these difficult days, give us all a full measure of your patience and your care for each one of us. Let us support each other and think of each other's needs at this frightening time. We may be poorer, but let us recognize and rejoice in the riches we have in each other.